Self-esteem:
valuing yourself in order to value others

Self-esteem is the judgement of worth we pass on ourselves, that silent voice that decides whether we are worth the trouble. Far from being an intimate matter foreign to work, it is the very condition of connection: we give others only what we first grant ourselves.

A well from which everyone comes to drink

Picture a well in the middle of a village. As long as it holds water, it gives without growing poorer, for a spring, deep down, keeps renewing it. That well is you; the water is the esteem you hold for yourself. Your people come to draw from it all day long: your attention, your listening, your calm. When it is full, you give without emptying yourself. When it runs dry, you close up to protect yourself, and everyone around you feels it. We think we exhaust ourselves by giving: it is the opposite. A well does not run dry from quenching thirst, but from never being replenished.

Three pillars to nourish together

Christophe André and François Lelord break self-esteem down into three complementary supports, to be cultivated side by side. One can shine in one's profession and still doubt one's worth, for worth is not competence.

• Self-love: to respect yourself whatever happens, independently of results.
• Self-image: the clear-eyed and kindly view of your qualities and your limits.
• Self-confidence: the sense of being able to act and to face what comes.

For a leader, this foundation changes everything: it makes it possible to serve others without needing to seek reassurance through them.

What quietly eats away at it

A few mechanisms erode esteem day after day, and to spot them is already to regain some power over them. Constant comparison places our worth outside ourselves, on ground where we always lose. Perfectionism makes it hinge on the result, and a single setback is enough to send everything wobbling. The inner critic judges more harshly than we ever would a friend. The sense of being an impostor credits our successes to luck. And the need for approval, finally, hands others the keys to our worth. None of these mechanisms says who we are: they are habits of thought. And a habit can be worked on.

Understanding your imprint

Childhood forges our talents; it sometimes leaves another mark, an imprint on self-esteem. An early wound, a repeated phrase, left engraved long after the scene itself was forgotten. Gabor Maté's work sheds light on this mechanism: before the age of eight, conscious memory is not yet mature, and those years are inscribed in the body and the emotions rather than in recollection. Often, we act driven by that older part of ourselves. When a situation triggers a disproportionate reaction in us, it is the inner child speaking, not the adult. To identify it is to stop leading from one's wound, and to offer one's team a steady presence rather than one's moods.

Nourishing a solid esteem

Several supports anchor it in the concrete. Self-compassion, which Kristin Neff has documented, consists in treating yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend: you meet your mistakes without tearing yourself down. Leaning on your strengths roots esteem in your talents rather than in the regard of others. One must also distinguish what one does from what one is, for a failure is an event, not an identity: "I failed" is not "I am worthless." Accepting imperfection releases a considerable energy, and setting your limits, knowing how to say no, is treating yourself as someone who counts.

From confidence to action, and then to connection

One can be highly competent and lack confidence. Katty Kay and Claire Shipman show it: at equal competence, many hold back in the shadows for want of daring to step forward. Yet the path is counter-intuitive. We do not gain confidence by preparing more, but by acting: confidence is a posture taken in the act, not a grade we give ourselves. This inner security is what opens the way to connection. Brené Brown has made the point widely known: there is no authentic connection without agreeing to be seen as we are, imperfect. The most connecting leader is not the most self-assured, but the most secure within.